It's taken me a while to get this done. I'm not exactly sure why. But today I've decided to sit down and get it all out. This will be my final post for this blog. This chapter of my life needs to be closed so that I can move on and search for my happy ending.
When I was 16 I knew my calling was to be a surrogate. I knew that a child would grow in my belly and find it's way to the waiting arms of another woman. I was okay with knowing the child wasn't mine and I wasn't going to raise it. This was my purpose. When I saw myself carry a baby for someone else I also saw myself in that child's life. Unfortunately in this story, that hasn't happened.
Luca and Lakelyn were born on January 25th 2012. They both weighted over 7Lbs and were in perfect health. They never did turn from the breech position but I am proud to say that I am the only breech twin surrogate carrier to have a vaginal birth in Ottawa. I really want that on a t-shirt! They were beautiful. Lakelyn had the chubbiest cheeks and Luca was asserting his authority right from the start. I fell in love instantly as the woman who carried them in her womb for 38 weeks and brought them into this world. We stayed in the same room and I set my clock for feedings every four hours. IM and I fed them throughout the night and quickly went back to sleep before the alarm went off again. Two days after their birth they headed home and I was to see them the following month.
The scheduled visit never happened and to this day I haven't seen them since I kissed them goodbye in the hospital. Things haven't happened the way I had planned and in the end I had to ask the IP's not to contact me anymore. In short the arrangement became a fight over money and if anyone knows me they know I was never in this for money. I had to walk away to protect myself and my family from the possibility of getting hurt any further.
I will be honest. I miss them everyday. But I miss them as the person that was promised a relationship with them. Not as a person who mourns the fact she gave babies up for adoption. These were never my babies to keep and although I wish my ending was different all I can hope is that they have a happy, healthy life. I hope one day they they may know of me but I'm not sure that will be the case.
When I look upon the journey I had, it was really amazing. Science has made it that I could have another woman's babies! How amazing is that? They grew in me and were a part of me. I hope Luca is a really good meat eater because I blame all my meat cravings on him. I wonder if Lakelyn is as quiet outside of the womb as she was in it. These things are what I will think of. I cannot control the actions of others but I can hold in my heart those things that are important to me.
So with that, I close this chapter. My love is always with you Luca and Lakelyn.
Auntie Lisa
