In Closing

It's taken me a while to get this done.  I'm not exactly sure why.  But today I've decided to sit down and get it all out.  This will be my final post for this blog.  This chapter of my life needs to be closed so that I can move on and search for my happy ending.

When I was 16 I knew my calling was to be a surrogate.  I knew that a child would grow in my belly and find it's way to the waiting arms of another woman.  I was okay with knowing the child wasn't mine and I wasn't going to raise it.  This was my purpose.  When I saw myself carry a baby for someone else I also saw myself in that child's life.  Unfortunately in this story, that hasn't happened.

Luca and Lakelyn were born on January 25th 2012.  They both weighted over 7Lbs and were in perfect health.  They never did turn from the breech position but I am proud to say that I am the only breech twin surrogate carrier to have a vaginal birth in Ottawa.  I really want that on a t-shirt!  They were beautiful.  Lakelyn had the chubbiest cheeks and Luca was asserting his authority right from the start.  I fell in love instantly as the woman who carried them in her womb for 38 weeks and brought them into this world.  We stayed in the same room and I set my clock for feedings every four hours.  IM and I fed them throughout the night and quickly went back to sleep before the alarm went off again.  Two days after their birth they headed home and I was to see them the following month.

The scheduled visit never happened and to this day I haven't seen them since I kissed them goodbye in the hospital.  Things haven't happened the way I had planned and in the end I had to ask the IP's not to contact me anymore.  In short the arrangement became a fight over money and if anyone knows me they know I was never in this for money.  I had to walk away  to protect myself and my family from the possibility of getting hurt any further.

I will be honest.  I miss them everyday.   But I miss them as the person that was promised a relationship with them.  Not as a person who mourns the fact she gave babies up for adoption.  These were never my babies to keep and although I wish my ending was different all I can hope is that they have a happy, healthy life.  I hope one day they they may know of me but I'm not sure that will be the case.

When I look upon the journey I had, it was really amazing.  Science has made it that I could have another woman's babies!  How amazing is that?  They grew in me and were a part of me.  I hope Luca is a really good meat eater because I blame all my meat cravings on him.  I wonder if Lakelyn is as quiet outside of the womb as she was in it.  These things are what I will think of. I cannot control the actions of others but I can hold in my heart those things that are important to me.

So with that, I close this chapter.  My love is always with you Luca and Lakelyn.

Auntie Lisa

A Child's Point Of View

When people see me with my children they automatically assume that we have another on the way.  They tend to make comments like "oh you're a very busy lady" or "wow, and another one on the way"  First of all it always amazes me that people feel that they can comment on your reproductive business, but I'm not ranting about that right now.  I have chosen to inform people about my surrogacy.  So, when they do make those comments I inform them that this pregnancy is not for us but for someone else.  That changes their perception of me very quickly....and I always get positive responses from them.  It doesn't matter what strangers think about me doing this, but there are people in my life who I care a great deal about how the surrogacy affects them....my children.

When we started out on this journey my husband and I decided that the children would be involved all along and we would be honest in answering any questions they had about the babies and the process.  My children met the IP's the same time Mike and I did, they've seen them each time we have and we talk about them in our home like they are a part of our family....because they are.  From the day of the transfer even my two youngest who are 2 1/2 knew that a doctor had put two eggs in my belly and we were praying that the eggs would grow into babies for my IP's.  We talk about the babies whenever the children show interest in the subject and now they are trying to feel them move through my belly.  We often ask the youngest ones questions about the babies to help them understand.  This is a conversation that I frequently have with my daughter Teagan.  It warms my heart every time we talk about it.

Me:  Teagan, what's in Mama's belly?
T: Babies
Me: How many babies?
T:  Two babies.
Me:  Who's babies are they?
T:  Lorlie's (that's how she says IM's name)
Me:  Where are the babies going to live?
T:  Lorlie's house.

3am Parties

We're half way there...at least!  Today is 20 weeks of pregnancy with these little monkeys, and monkeys are exactly what they are.  Last night we had a party in my uterus...at 3am.  Apparently there was a dance party and no one notified the landlord ahead of time.  I was woken to some kicks that I can now feel on the outside.  This is the first pregnancy I've had where the babes didn't sleep when I was sleeping.  Warning to my IP's.....you may have some nighthawks on your hands!

A Post From a Reader

I've always said that I would respond to readers posts.  For some reason people are having a hard time posting things here lately.  I new friend sent me this in email today and I wanted to share.  This is the reason that I've written this blog...for people to hear this story and be touched by it.  I love the support we've always gotten.  So thank you Johanne for this lovely letter of support to my IP's and I...it means so much to us.

Lisa I have to say you are such an amazing, strong, beautiful heart warming woman. I just sat here yesterday reading each and every post right from the beginning, since we just met recently. The tears were flowing and my face was smiling. I want to say congratulations to you and the IM & IF and their family. How blessed you all are. We do not know each other but am hoping we will get to know each other better. I am going to continue reading each and every step of the way. You are a true gift from God, an angle sent to do good :) for these wonderful parents to be and to the family & friends you have made over the last few years and the years to come. I was looking forward to see if the babies are boys or girls, today I read one of each. The best of both worlds. How amazing this is. It is exciting not only for you and the parents but everyone who is following your wonderful journey. Hugs and love, thoughts and prayers & hopes that you continue to feel good.
Johanne

The Results Are In!!!

My IP's and I went for my monthly appointment that included an ultrasound this time.  There was so much excitement in the air....and so much guessing too.  Let me remind you of what my guess was...boy/girl.  So now let me tell you....I love being right!!!!   The tech confirmed what I've always thought and my IP's couldn't be happier.  Best of both worlds in situations like this.  We are all truly blessed in this journey.  The tech also did a full scan of each baby and they are both healthy and we are right on track at 18w 4d.  Let me tell you, they are big movers. Little man kicked me so hard during the scan that it hurt.  I'll remind him of that when he's older!

In the picture above the top one is baby boy and bottom is baby girl.

IP's are Coming to Town!

As I write my IP's are arriving in Ottawa. Tomorrow is a big day...Ultrasound! If all goes well tomorrow we'll find out the gender of the babies. Remember my guess is boy/girl, but I wouldn't be surprised to hear boy/boy.

So tonight we have a sitter coming and it will be a dinner for adults at a nice restaurant near our place. The number of those in my IP's future is dwindling so they better make the most of it now.

So readers, place your guesses for tomorrow and I will update after the u/s. Let's see who is right!

Feed Me!

The hunger and appetite that has come with this pregnancy is definitely something to write about. On a good day I like to eat and have a very healthy appetite. My current ability and need to eat puts all other hunger to shame. I've had dinner with friends and family and can feel their eyes upon me as they watch me clear my plate. My husband can tell by the size of the meal how long it will be until I'm hungry again. I've even had my mom say to me "well, there's a snack in your future because that dinner isn't going to last long" She was right. There are many snacks in my future.

I try to be conscious of what I eat. I really do strive for a healthy balance but there is a force greater than me guiding some of these choices. I have consumed what I call 'dirty' foods; McDonald's, KD, Pogos etc. and I'm ashamed to admit it. lol I'd like to blame these foods on a boy growing in me but we haven't had the ultrasound yet to confirm that.

Well, now that I've gone on so much about food, I am hungry. I'm off to hunt down some fruit! (that must be the girl!)